Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

November 15, 2004 – Number 5765-8

Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties

There has been much written about Bar Mitzvah parties over the centuries. Some has been complimentary and some has been critical. Whole books are written on how to plan a Bar or Bat Mitzvah party and much ink has been spilled crying over the sometimes excesses of these parties.
The party after the ceremony of Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a crucial part of the celebration and has a time honored past. It falls into the category of “Seudat Mitzvah” the “meal in celebration of a Mitzvah.” Like any other Mitzvah, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is subject to the rule of “Hiddur Mitzvah”, that is we enhance the Mitzvah by making it more beautiful. The point of the party is to rejoice with the family when their child attains the age of responsibility for the Mtizvot.
There is no “Halacha” concerning the party other than one should celebrate the Mitzvah. This means that all the different parts of the party that are in use today are only custom. Customs relating to parties change according to the culture and times in which the party takes place. One is free to follow local customs or not unless the community has set limits on parties in general. For example some communities may forbid mixed dancing at the party, or may insist on a certain location. Usually these limits are explained when the date for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is scheduled.
One of the most important customs is that the party should be Kosher, whether or not the family keeps Kosher in their home. Because of the connection between the party and the Mitzvah, one should keep the ritual part of the occasion strong by arranging for all food to be Kosher.
Throughout the medieval and modern periods, there has been literature about excesses at Seudot Mitzvah. That families were spending too much money on a party and were in danger of harming their financial situation. These have always proved hard to define and to enforce. It is however, important that the party be put into a proper perspective. The point of the celebration is to rejoice with the family and friends. This would be hard to do if the family is spending well beyond their means. A Bar/Bat Mitzvah party is not about being more extravagant than the neighbors, it is about doing something that will have meaning for the family and for the student who is the focus of the celebration. A small party at home can be as significant as a large party at a large catering hall. The size of the room, the number of guests, the theme of the party, the size of the band or the type of clothing required do not insure that the party will be a success. On the other hand, having guests that are important to the family, in a setting that is appropriate, with a theme that is in keeping with the interests of the student with good food and good music will provide everyone with a good time regardless of the exact cost.
Many students today also build their party around a Mitzvah project. Asking guests to bring items for the poor or handicapped, to have centerpieces on the tables that will provide food for the hungry or toys for sick children. Sometimes, in lieu of gifts, the family may request donations to a favorite charity. One should consult their Rabbi for project ideas.
There is no rules concerning candle lighting ceremonies or other ceremonies to honor special guests at the party. This is an opportunity to be very creative in finding a way to honor those who are an important part of the student’s life. It is appropriate for the student to choose who will be honored and to write the words that will honor that person. It is also appropriate, that at age 13, a student will need appropriate help from parents to do this properly. Many families also use this time for a “Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech” where the student thanks those who were his teachers and mentors in the course of his or her Jewish education. If the student did not do a D’var Torah at the service, this is another opportunity to gives some words of Torah. Parents may also use this event to offer a toast to their child for all that he or she has accomplished.
One can find many books about party “etiquette” to prevent major problems, but here are a few of my own:
Care should be taken that alcoholic beverages be served only to adults of legal age. Many people with drinking problems have told us that they got their start drinking by finishing the glasses of drinks people left on the table while dancing. Monitor adult drinking as well and make sure that those who drink too much do not drive.
All children should be appropriately supervised. Activities should keep all students in the room of the party at all times. Friends of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah who are known to cause trouble at parties should not be invited. I know this is hard, but it is the same children, at every party that ruin the event for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and for the family.
Children should know to thank those who serve them and who entertain them. There is nothing more enjoyable than courtesy in children and adults.
The party should reflect the values of the family. Party themes, music and entertainment should be directed at the children in attendance. Raunchy attire, music, themes or speeches should be reviewed in advance carefully.

Next week: Jewish Education after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

November 8, 2004 – Number 5765-7

Bar and Bat Mitzvah

For the sake of clarity, Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah are the same thing. They mark the age when a Jewish child takes on the ritual commandments of adulthood. It is “legal age” for Jewish ritual purposes. In ancient days, this legal age came about with the onset of puberty. With a nod to women who mature earlier than men, Bat Mitzvah, in ancient times occurred at age 12 ½, for boys, Bat Mitzvah was at age 13. Today most congregations observe the date for both sexes at age 13. By legal age we mean the age when a Jewish child is responsible for daily prayer, for daily study and to participate in ritual commandments, (lighting candles, saying Kiddush, reciting blessings etc.). Please note that these requirements fall upon the child no matter what may happen on that birthday, with or without a party or any celebration marking the day. Any child, over the age of 13 is by definition a Bar (Bat) Mitzvah, that is legally responsible for the mitzvot. Just as an American child is legal age when they reach 18, no matter if they have a birthday party or not.
There is no Bar of Bat Mitzvah in the Torah or anywhere in the Bible. It is first found in the Mishna, in massechet Avot where it declares that age 13 is the age for Mitzvot. That is, the age when a person is responsible for the Mitzvot. In Jewish law, anyone who shares the same level of responsibility for the Mitzvot can perform that Mitzvah on behalf of someone else. This means that once a child is “legal age” than they can also lead services, read Torah, light candles and do other rituals on behalf of others. This is why the ritual for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is to participate in a service. It applies to any service, weekday, holiday or Shabbat, and to any part of the service, Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv, Musaf or the Torah Service. Since Shabbat services are the focus of a week of prayer, and the most important part of that service is the reading of the Torah and most important Torah honor on Shabbat is Maftir, the final aliyah, than we give the new Bar or Bat Mitzvah that honor. It is a chance to show the community what they have learned in school about Torah, Haftara, chanting and Hebrew. To this base we add on other honors. The Bar or Bat Mitzvah may actually read other sections of the Torah on behalf of the people with earlier honors, he or she may lead the Pesuke D’Zimra, the Shacharit, the Torah service or the Musaf service. It is also the custom in some places for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah to lead a lesson in the Torah, by giving the D’var Torah for that Shabbat, the explanation of what will be read in the Torah and how it relates to what is important in his or her life. The parents of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah are also given an honor on that Shabbat. In past centuries, the parents would recite a special blessing thanking G-d for relieving then of responsibility for their child (who is now legal age and responsible for him/herself). Since in our modern world, responsibility for our children will last at least until age 18 ( and in some families well beyond age 40!) It is no longer our custom to recite this blessing. We give a special blessing to parents as they enter a new phase in the growth of their child.
Children with learning disabilities can also mark their passage into Jewish legal age. They may take part in the less complicated services on Monday, Thursday or Shabbat Afternoon. They may take a less complicated aliyah than Maftir or may conduce a shorter service. What they do is not important, only that we mark this milestone in their life. The Masorti Movement in Israel (the Israeli version of our Conservative Judaism) has helped students who were declared “uneducatible” by the other rabbis, take part in a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony, to the joy of the students and their parents as well.
It has been my experience, that the students who do well in their training for their Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony are the students who attend Shabbat services regularly, especially if they attend with their family. Once they have a firm understanding of what the elements of the service are, they learn quickly and easily the lessons that help them master each element in turn. There is on other indicator for success in Bar or Bat Mitzvah training that is more significant that regular attendance in synagogue for the student and his or her family. Families who want to maximize their child’s participation in the service, should bring them to synagogue as often as possible from as early an age as possible.
Because of the number of families who need to find a date for their celebration, and because of friendships between students that transcend one congregation or another, as well as for reasons of planning a proper Seudah Mitzvah ( a meal in celebration of a ritual), often a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is picked up to three years in advance. Actual Bar/Bat Mitzvah training will begin usually about a year before the child turns 13. Until that time, almost all congregations require synagogue membership for the family and a total of 5 continuous years of Religious school or Day School training. While a Bar Mitzvah ceremony could be taught and performed in as little time as a few weeks, such ceremonies have no meaning for the child as it has no basis in the context of a Jewish Education, and is nothing more than a rote recital for the community. Most congregations do not see themselves as “Bar Mitzvah Factories” and have requirements that insure an educational context for the Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony. While planning a party is fun, the celebration after the ceremony is second to the celebration in synagogue. Families should spend more time on the ritual part of the ceremony and less time party planning.
A new addition to the ceremony has been added in recent years. Since the child is ready to perform Mitzvot, some families are adopting a “Mitzvah Project” for their child, using this celebration to bring about an important Mitzvah. Some ask invited guests to bring items like children books, clothing, food and coats to be donated by the child to the impoverished. Others include buying bonds for Israel, contributions to Federation or other worthy Jewish causes, help for animals, hospital patients or a wide variety of other causes. Families should consult with their Rabbi for ideas and resources to help a family decide on a proper project. Since this is also the time the student becomes responsible for his or her own contributions to Tzedakah, a portion of money received as gifts should also be earmarked for worthy causes.

Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah Parties

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

November 1, 2004 – Number 5765-6

Raising Jewish Children

There is a well known story about a woman who came to a famous educator to ask about when was the best time to begin a child’s education. The Professor asked the woman, “How old is your child?” The woman replied, “He is five years old.”
“Good Lord, woman,” the Professor exclaimed, “You have already wasted five years!!”
Many parents believe that education begins with Pre-School and Jewish Education begins in the third grade. Such parents indeed have wasted much time. From the moment of birth a child is learning, learning both the way of the world and the child’s own Jewish inheritance. What then do we need to know to raise healthy Jewish children?
First of all, to raise Jewish children we need a Jewish home. The Jewish home is the primary location for all Jewish learning. How can we create a Jewish home? It means putting a Mezuzah on our doors and Jewish books on our shelves. It means having and using the ritual items for Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukkah and Purim. It means having a Shabbat meal every Friday night, with every member of the family present, and it means making time to pray as a family. Jewish guests should be invited for Jewish occasions and every member of the family should be enrolled in some form of Jewish Education. The Sages of the Talmud ask “If there is only enough money in the family to hire one teacher, who should be the one to study, the parent or the child?” The sages answer with great wisdom, “The teacher should be hired for the parent who will then turn and teach his or her child.”
A proper Jewish home should also be a Kosher home. What we put in our mouths should be as important as what comes out of our mouth. The laws of Kashrut teach us to control our appetites and not to let our appetites control us. A Jewish home should be a place where Lashon HaRa, evil speech is never allowed. This means that gossip, trash talk, and even words that are true but hurtful, are never spoken.
When we raise a child in this kind of an environment, the consistency and rules will be a comfort to the child, and the world around this child will be filled with loving moments and warm attention. It is important for a child to know that no matter how busy the week will be, parents can always be found around the Shabbat Table. That there is a way to celebrate the seasons of the year, always showing our thanks to G-d for allowing us to reach this next milestone. Even when, G-d forbid, there is a death in the family, a child in a Shiva home easily understands that everyone is there to make those who are hurt feel better. In their own way, they too can have a part in comforting the mourners. The blessing of children on Shabbat eve is one way that we can show our children the important place they hold in our lives. Pesach, Hanukkah and Purim are magical times for both parents and children.
The best way to raise Jewish children is to be a Jewish parent. One can not expect a child to come to love whatever it is that we are avoiding. I know parents who will never miss a child’s soccer match or baseball game, but would never think of attending synagogue with their children. There are so many families who stress training for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah but never show any interest in what they are learning, other than to remind them that they will have to do a “good job” at services. And yes, service to the Jewish community is very important. The work of those who serve on the committees of Federation and a host of other Jewish organizations is of vital concern to Jews not just in our own community but across the globe as well. Committee work, however, is not enough to raise a Jewish child. One needs to also take part in the religious and ritual parts of Judaism, so that Judaism will not just be another reason mom or dad is never home at night.
To raise a good Jew, we have to be a good Jew. If we want our children to live by Jewish values, we need to live by those very same values. If we want our children to be comfortable with G-d, we need to understand what we believe about G-d. If we want our children to pray, we need to pray and to know why we are praying as well. Our children will try their hand at leading services, reading Torah and reading Jewish books if we go out first to set the example. Our secular society is interested in teaching children a “values free” education. We have no such interest. We are very interested in teaching our children Jewish values, and before we can teach them, we have to live them ourselves. This is why we must always remember that the most important part of my education, is my Jewish education. It provides the context for everything else we have to learn.

Next week: Bar and Bat Mitzvah

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 25, 2004 – Number 5765-5

Pidyon HaBen and Other Miscellaneous Laws Regarding Birth

Judaism believes that the first of everything belongs to G-d. First fruits were brought to the Tabernacle on Shavuot. The first born of some animals had to be sacrificed at the alter. Animals that were not suitable for sacrifice had to be destroyed. The harvest could not be used until the first tenth was tithed to G-d. Since the first born of human beings could neither be sacrificed or killed, these children had to be redeemed from their obligations from G-d.
In ancient times, the firstborn of each family had ritual responsibilities for the entire family. When these responsibilities were given over to the Levites and the Priests (due to the sin of the Golden Calf) the Torah requires all first born males to be redeemed from their service for the price of five silver shekalim. The ceremony of this redemption is called “Pidyon HaBen” the redemption of the (firstborn) son.
The ceremony only applies to the first born of a woman. If a man has a son by a previous marriage, his son by his second wife, if it is her first born son, can be redeemed. If she has a son by a previous marriage, this new son by her second husband is not redeemed. If the father or the mother carries the title of Levi or Cohen, then the child is not redeemed. If the son is born after a late term miscarriage, the son is not redeemed. (If the miscarriage occurs in the first 40 days then the subsequent birth is redeemed) If a daughter is born first, if the next child is a son, he is not redeemed. If the son is born by Caesarian section, the son is not redeemed since there is no “opening of the womb” that is required by the Torah. If the next son has a normal birth, than he also is not redeemed because he is not the first born.
The boy must be a full 30 days old. This means the ceremony is held on the thirty-first day. One reason for this is because, in ancient times, many children who were born alive, did not live out the first month. Thirty-one days later, there is a presumption that the child will survive. There is a custom that the redemption takes place during the day, but it can be performed at night as well.
Since we no longer use silver shekalim, any five silver dollars can be used. If silver coins are not available, you can use the monetary equivalent. A Cohen must be called upon to redeem the child and many Cohanim who do this ceremony often, may offer special silver coins to be used for the ceremony. The ceremony can be found in any complete Siddur and involves giving the child to the Cohen, the Cohen asking if he should keep the child or will they redeem him. The parents then redeem the child for the five coins and the Cohen accepts the coins in lieu of the child. Since this is an important ceremony, there is a “seudat mitzvah” a meal in celebration of a Mitzvah that follows.
Many times this ceremony is performed because the time needed for a Brit Milah is so short and must be done on time. By giving the family 30 days, they can send out proper invitations and host a proper party. The ceremony is delayed one day if the 31st day falls on Shabbat or on a full holiday. If it falls on the intermediate days of Pesach or Sukkot, it is not delayed. If, for some reason it can not be done on the 31st day, it should be done on the night immediately following.
Other rules relating to childbirth:
While a Brit Milah must take place on the eighth day after birth, if the baby is born by Caesarean Section, we do not perform the ritual on Shabbat. It must be delayed until the following day. If the child is not well and the Brit Milah can not be performed on the eighth day, it must be done on the first day the child is well enough for the surgery. We follow the advice of the baby’s doctor and wait seven days after the child is healed before circumcising.
Adult males who convert to Judaism must be circumcised and must have a Brit Milah. This is usually significant surgery and not done by a mohel. The mohel may assist the surgeon and say the proper blessings or a Rabbi may say the blessings. Usually the surgeon for this surgery should be Jewish. In the rare case where a baby is born without a foreskin, and in the case of a convert who is already circumcised, a special ceremony called “hatafat dam brit” is performed where a drop of blood is taken from the scar of the circumcision (or the place where the circumcision would have been done). This ceremony is not done on Shabbat or holidays.
It is the responsibility of the parents to arrange for a brit milah. If they do not do so, the child, as soon as he is old enough to be on his own, should arrange for it himself.
It is a custom that a mohel be a man but women may train and serve as a mohel as well. A mohel must be Jewish. If the circumcision is performed by a non-Jewish doctor, the circumcision is valid but the ceremony of Hatafat dam brit must be performed.

Next week: Raising Jewish Children

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 18, 2004 – Number 5765-4

Brit Milah IV – Simchat Bat

Traditionally, a baby girl was named in the synagogue on the first day the Torah was read after her birth. The father would come to the synagogue and would be called for an aliyah to the Torah. After the Torah was read and the blessings finished, the gabbi would then add a Mishebayrach, a prayer for the good health of the mother and for the Baby. Since this prayer requires the Hebrew name of the mother and the baby, this also doubled as the naming for the baby girl. After the service, a kiddush would be sponsored by the father in honor of his daughter.
Since this baby naming service is far less joyous than the Brit Milah for a boy, in modern times there has been an attempt to try and equalize the two ceremonies. Judaism does not authorize or condone what is sometimes called “female circumcision”. It is absolutely forbidden as mutilation of the body. What we try and do is create a ceremony that will speak to the special ritual statues of a daughter. There are different attempts that have been made over the last 50 years or so and I will try and explain them in terms of how common they have become.
In many places, the time the father comes to synagogue is lengthened to a full month after a girl is born. This allows the mother and baby to be present in the synagogue. If the congregation is egalitarian, than the mother and baby are called with the father to the Torah for the aliyah and for the Mishebayrach. A more elaborate party can follow since there is more time to prepare the food and invite friends and relatives. We usually don’t wait longer than a month lest the family get busy and forget to do the naming until too much time has passed.
There have been many attempts to have home naming ceremonies called, “Simchat Bat” or “The celebration of a daughter”. There are many different ceremonies that have been created for this purpose. In some ways one can write their own ceremony since the custom is so new that there are no traditional rituals. Some of the rituals that have been proposed include lighting candles, a cup of wine, seven blessings relating to birth and creation. An prayer that includes the naming is also a part of the service, usually this is a form of the Mishebayrach used at the Torah for the naming.
In some places, the family will have a community naming at the synagogue on a Torah reading day and then invite friends and family to a separate ceremony at their home. When looking for a Simchat Bat service, contact the Rabbi who may have many model services in his or her file to look at and get ideas. Many Rabbis have their own favorite Simchat Bat service and will be happy to share it with you. The ceremony is also followed by a Seudat Mitzvah, a meal in celebration of the mitzvah of naming a girl.
For both boys and girls, if the child is named for a relative, the parents should write and read to the congregation, at the naming, the reason why they chose this name for their son or daughter. They can call attention to the qualities of the person for who he or she was named as to why it speaks to the hopes and dreams of the parents of the child. What can this baby learn from the lives of those for whom he or she was named. After the naming, this “speech” should be put away and saved for future celebrations. At the bar or bat Mitzvah it can be retrieved and read to the friends and family again to see how many of the dreams of the parents have come true. It can also be used at the wedding as a final look at how the memory of the people for whom they are named, has been continued by the actions and life of the now mature child.

Next week: Pidyon HaBen, Adoption and other Miscellaneous laws concerning birth

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 11, 2004 – Number 5765-3

Brit Milah III – The Naming

A boy baby can only be named at a Brit Milah. Girls are named in synagogue, often on the first Shabbat after they are born, but it can be up to a month later if it means the mother can be at the nameing as well. A boy is never named at services.
After the circumcision, the Mohel holds the baby and a special prayer is recited where the baby is given his Hebrew name along with a blessing that he should grow in Torah, be blessed with a good marriage and live a life good deeds.
When naming any Jewish child (boy or girl), the first rule is that there are no rules. One can give the child any name they prefer. The decision on the name belongs to the parent although they may seek advice from anyone they choose. There are, however a few traditions. The most common tradition is not give a baby a name that has ritual significance to another faith. Thus Jesus, Mohammed, Buddah etc. are out. Ashkenazic Jews (from Europe) traditionally name a child after a deceased relative so that their name can live on. If the person who name is being used, died suddenly or very young, often another name is added (like “Alter” meaning “the older” or “Hiyyim” meaning “Life” or “Refael” meaning “Healing”) Sefardic Jews name their children after living relatives as a sign of honor.
A third tradition is to give the child a Hebrew name that is similar to the English name to help remember the Hebrew name in the future. Once again, I want to note that this is only a tradition, many people have Hebrew Names that have no relation to their English names at all, and some children don’t even have English names, only Hebrew names.
The Hebrew name must also carry the Hebrew names of both parents. Thus if Moshe is the son of Eliezer and Sheindle, then his name in Hebrew would be “Moshe ben Eliezer v’Sheindle. If the father has a title, it is also added, thus if Eliezer is a Rabbi, the name would be Moshe ben HaRav Eliezer v’Sheindle. If the father or mother are descended from the priests or Leviim, than this is also added to the name. For example, if the father was a Levite, than the name would be Moshe ben Eliezer HaLevy v’Sheindle. If the mother was the daughter of a priest she could carry that title too, Moshe ben Eliezer v’Sheindle HaCohenet (or HaLeviah). Fathers always past their tribe to their children. Mothers can have a tribe, but they do not pass the tribe to their children. Converts, who do not have parents with Hebrew names, are given the names of the first Jewish Parents, Abraham and Sarah.
Hebrew names are used on the naming certificate, at the Bar Mitzvah, any time the person is called to the Torah in Synagogue, on the Ketubah for the wedding, for the prayer for speedy recovery when sick and for the memorial prayer after they have died. Everyone should know their full Hebrew name and the full Hebrew name of their parents and children. Just a century ago, such information would be written down in a family bible. Today it should be written down and placed with other important papers.
The final part of the Brit Milah is the Seudah Mitzvah, the celebration of the Mitzvah. It is a special Mitzvah to celebrate with the parents of the newborn child. One should not just attend the formal ceremony, but stay and celebrate with the family by joining them in eating and drinking in honor of the baby.

Next week: Brit Milah IV – Simchat Bat

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 4, 2004 – Number 5765-2 Hag Sameach!

Brit Milah II – The Surgery

Maimonides gives us the best description of the surgery involved in a Brit Milah. Since Maimonides was a physician, this is how he describes the procedure: “the entire foreskin which covers the glans is cut so that the whole of the glans is exposed. Then a thin layer of skin beneath the foreskin is torn with the fingernail and turned back with the flesh of the glans completely exposed. Thereafter, one sucks the wound until the blood is drawn from the more remote places so that no danger to the child’s health may ensue… after this has been done, a plaster bandage or similar dressing is applied.” (Mishna Torah: Hilchot Milah 2:2; Translation by Rabbi Isaac Klein in “A Guide to Religious Jewish Practice” p.421-2)
From this description we see that there are three stages to a ritual circumcision (Brit MIlah) The cutting of the foreskin. The tearing and folding of the mucous membrane. The suction of the blood.
While Maimonides gives us a description of what the surgery was like in his day, today there are some notable differences. The membrane and the foreskin are often cut at the same time. While any instrument can be used for the surgery, most use a surgical scalpel or a knife used exclusively for circumcision. A “magen” or a shield is used to protect the glans during the cutting. This shield has a slit in its surface so that the foreskin and the membrane can be placed in the slit and the glans itself is protected during the cutting.
It is the baby’s father who has the responsibility to do the circumcision, but usually the father delegates a professional to do the surgery. This expert is called a “mohel”. Once the foreskin has been placed in the slit in the shield, sometimes the father will do the actual cut to fulfill this mitzvah.
Brit Milah must be done on the eighth day. Even if it is Yom Kippur. If there is any danger to the child or any illness in the child, the brit is postponed until the child is well. The first day when the child is born is counted as the first of the eight days. A child born by cesarian section is not circumcised on Shabbat or holidays.
The baby is brought into the room by a couple known as “kvatter” and “kvatterin” sometimes translated as “god parents” but not in the legal sense that we use the terms today. There is a custom of sending the mother of the baby out of the room for the Milah, but this is just an vestige of when all women were “hysterical” and could not watch the operation. Today, any mother who wants to be at the front for the Milah are welcome to stay. The person who holds the baby for the operation is called the “sandek” and this is a great honor usually reserved for the most religious member of the family. Before the baby is handed to the sandek, the baby is placed on a chair reserved for Elijah the prophet. Elijah is the guardian of circumcision and is said to be present at every Brit Milah.
A modern mohel will perform the surgery quickly so that there will not be much pain. After securing the baby in the hands of the Sandek, the mohel will remove the diaper and take a small “probe” and insert it under the foreskin to free the mucus membrane from the glans. Then a clamp is used to grab both the foreskin and the membrane and pull it away from the glans. A Magen clamp is then opened, with the foreskin/membrane placed in the slot and the glans secure under the shield. The clamp is closed and the Mohel (or the parent if they wish) then take the knife and cut across the top of the shield. There is a blessing recited before the cut is made, and another after the cut. Usually the father gives “permission” to the mohel to make the cut and the mohel says the blessing before cutting. The parents recite the blessing after. The clamp is then opened, the remaining foreskin is pulled back behind the glans. An antibiotic is applied to the bandage and the bandage is put into place. Often a special “steri-bandage” is used to promote faster healing. The diaper is replaced and the Milah is complete.

Next week: Brit Milah III – The Naming

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 27, 2004 – Number 5765-1

Brit Milah I – Introduction.

There are only three Mitzvot recorded in the book of Berayshit/Genesis. The first is the commandment to have children. The second is the commandment to circumcise our children and the third is the command that forbids the sciatic nerve in an animal for human consumption. This is from the story of Jacob wresting with the angel. We see that Brit Milah is one of the oldest rituals that exist in the Torah. After Abraham circumcises himself and his thirteen-year-old son, Ishmael, Abraham is told to circumcise all male children on the eighth day after birth. This is a Mitzvah that has been observed from that time until our own. Circumcision remains the most basic connection we have to G-d and to our faith.Circumcision is called “Milah” in Hebrew. A Jewish ritual circumcision is called a “Brit Milah” that is, a Circumcision that is connected to a covenant, the earliest connection we have with G-d. It is said that Israelite women circumcised their children in Egypt, before the exodus, even though they knew the baby would soon be thrown into the Nile. No matter how far a family may stray from the Jewish path, circumcision remains as the ritual that binds us all. There has been much written in recent years about the benefits of circumcision versus the complications. The arguments have been serious on both sides. As far as Judaism is concerned, the reason we perform the surgery has little to do with medical advise. We circumcise our male children because it is the command of our Creator. It is the sign of the two relationships we have with G-d, the first is the promise made with Abraham, and the second is the promise our ancestor’s made at Sinai. It is also important to know that it is not the surgery that is important. The surgery can be performed on any male child. Brit Milah, the circumcision that is the sign of the Covenant has to be performed in a proper manner for the purpose of bringing that child into the Covenant. Brit Milah does not make a child Jewish. A child is Jewish because of their birth. Brit Milah testifies that the person lives under the obligations that come with the Covenant. It is done to the organ of generation to symbolize that just as life goes on from one generation to another, so too is the covenant passed down from one generation to the next. Brit Milah is not just a cut made on the outer flesh of a child, but it is symbolic of the change in heart that goes with it. It represents the commitment of the child, and the parents of the child to be educated and raised according to Jewish Tradition. It is this symbolism of commitment to Torah and faith that separates the Circumcision from a Brit Milah.A Brit Milah always takes place on the eighth day after birth. The day of the birth counts as the first day (remember a Jewish “day” begins at sunset the night before). The ritual is done during the day and not at night. This was probably due to the better light that was available during the day rather than to rely on oil light or candles. A Brit Milah is never done prior to the eighth day. The ceremony can be delayed after the eighth day for medical reasons or if we have to wait for an expert to perform the surgery. It is the responsibility of the father of the baby to arrange for the Brit Milah, but if, for any reason, he will not fulfil the obligation, than any other family member can step in. If the child is not circumcised at all, than it becomes the child’s responsibility after the child turns 13 years-old. Brit Milah is for male children only. There is no “female circumcision” in Judaism.There are three parts to the Brit Milah ceremony. The surgery. The naming and the celebration afterwards.

Next week: Brit Milah II – The surgery

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 13, 2004 – Number 5764-38

Wedding 7 – The Wedding Ceremony- Part IV: After the Ceremony

I mentioned three weeks ago that there are three ways a person gets married under Jewish Law; by contract, by money and by sexual relations for the purpose of marriage. All three have been made a part of the Jewish wedding ceremony. We have seen that the contract is fulfilled by the writing and signing of the Ketubah and when the groom hands this document to the bride under the huppah in front of proper witnesses and she accepts it from his hand. The money part of the wedding is when the groom hands the bride a ring and recites the marriage formula in front of proper witnesses. After the wedding ceremony is concluded, the bride and groom leave the room where the wedding takes place, leading the recessional of those in the wedding party. They go directly to a room where they can be alone and two witnesses are assigned to guard the door so that they will not be disturbed. This originally was when the marriage was consummated.
Today, in almost all cases, this time alone, called in Hebrew, “Yichud” meaning, “Alone,”is just symbolic time together. Since a wedding day is considered to be a mini Yom Kippur, many brides and grooms are fasting that day, and this time is when they break their fast. The food is placed in the room before they get there and they have some time together to break their fast. By Jewish Law, an unmarried man and an unmarried woman should not be alone together so this time is their first “official” time together as husband and wife. Since a modern wedding is a rather overwhelming and hectic day, this time alone allows the couple to pause and remember why they decided to get married in the first place. Even if the couple are ready to enjoy their wedding reception, they should still spend this time alone. Let the rest of the family and wedding party do the receiving line duty. The bride and groom require this time alone. A minimum of ten minutes is fine, it can be 20-30 minutes depending on if they need to eat. This is not time to check makeup, hair or fix the wedding dress. It is alone time, just the two of them, and everyone else who needs them, even the photographer, will have to settle for a picture of the two guards at the door. One last point of Jewish law: “Everyone knows why a bride and groom enter the room for Yihud, but it is not proper/polite to speak about it.” This applies to others at the reception or to make jokes about it to the bride and groom. It is a major act of impropriety to have this as a topic of discussion, or the punch line of some ribald humor.
The final part of the wedding is the reception. The wedding reception is called a “seudah mitzvah” a “meal in celebration of a mitzvah.” this makes it an integral part of the wedding. It is a great mitzvah to celebrate with a bride and groom on their wedding day. It is a bigger mitzvah to do something to increase their joy. This could be as simple as bringing a gift, or performing a dance, or skit or just having a good time in honor of the couple. Because the meal is part of the mitzvah, one should keep the festivities in good taste. Judaism sees food as holy so turning the sharing of the wedding cake into smearing the frosting on the bride and groom is not appropriate. While the bride throwing the flowers is OK, the garter/groom event is in poor taste. Toasting the bride and groom should be a sign of honor, not the occasion for blue humor. The Wedding feast should end with the Birkat HaMazon, the blessing after the meal and at a wedding this includes a repetition of the seven wedding blessings, and another opportunity to honor seven guests by having them each recite one of these blessings. During the wedding ceremony, the first blessing is the blessing over the wine. During Birkat HaMazon, the wine blessing is done last and the second blessing is recited first.
Traditionally, the bride and groom do not leave on their honeymoon after the wedding reception. The wedding festivities go on for a week. There is another Seudah Mitzvah each evening with a chance to honor seven more guests with the seven wedding blessings. At each of these meals, it is a great mitzvah to bring additional joy to the bride and groom.

Next week: Brit Milah

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 6, 2004 – Number 5764-37

Wedding 6 – The Wedding Ceremony- Part III

Following the reading of the Ketubah, and the bride accepting it from the hand of the groom, the next section of the wedding service is the “Sheva Berachot” the seven wedding blessings. The blessings are arranged according to the order of their length, each one longer and more important that the one before. Since there is a blessing for everything in Judaism, it is no surprise that there is a blessing for getting married, but marriage is such an important ritual in Judaism. It is considered to be the most joyful day in a person’s life. It is considered to be one of the most joyful events in the life of the community, that one blessing doesn’t seem to be enough, for that matter even two blessings would not be enough. This is why there are no less than seven blessings in honor of the bride and groom.
The first blessing is over the second cup of wine. The first cup was used in the Arusin blessing at the beginning of the service. Now the cup is refilled (or some wine is added to what remains in the cup) and the cup will be held by the one reciting the blessing. In many weddings the Rabbi or Cantor who are officiating hold the cup while all seven blessings are recited. In some places, each of the seven blessings are assigned as a honor to guests at the wedding. It is a big honor to be asked to recite one of the Sheva Berachot. The cup is passed from hand to hand as each honoree recites the assigned blessing. At the end the cup is returned to the Rabbi or Cantor who then gives it to the bride and groom to drink. They are the only two who will drink from this cup of wine.
The other six blessings are a mixture of individual and communal reasons to celebrate. The second blessing refers to the ceremony being for the glory of G-d. The third blessing thanks G-d as the creator of humanity. The fourth blessing thanks G-d for creating both men and women in the divine image. The fifth blessing is a hope for the gathering of exiles in Jerusalem. The sixth blessing compares this wedding to the first wedding, of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden where G-d officiated. The final blessing, which includes passages from the book of the prophet Jeremiah, combines the joy of marriage to the rejoicing of those who have returned to Jerusalem with great feasting and singing.
After the last blessing, the bride and groom drink the wine (or kosher grape juice). Now the officiant will offer a small D’var Torah to the couple. There is no real reason that this needs to be long. There are times when there are several Rabbis or officiants who wish to speak and the speeches can drag on a bit, but the topic is usually some advice on love and marriage to the couple based on the lives to the couple, on the Parsha of the week or on some other Rabbinic text. It is not in lieu of pre-marital counseling which should be done at a meeting prior to the ceremony.
Many Rabbis will conclude their remarks with a blessing for the couple. This often is in the form of the Birkat Kohanim, the three part blessing that is mentioned in the Torah.
At this point the Rabbi will explain what the breaking of the glass is all about. The origin of breaking a glass comes from a story in the Talmud where a bunch of Rabbis were invited to a wedding celebration and the celebration was so lavish and so joyful that they wanted to bring a bit of seriousness to the wedding. They felt that there was so much rejoicing that no one was paying any attention to the serious nature of what a wedding is all about. They took some of the expensive dishes and smashed them to the ground. Immediately everyone was quiet and concerned. The custom stuck.
Today, we set aside a glass to be broken at every wedding. To remind the bride and groom for a moment of the serious nature of the relationship they are entering into. To remind them that life is not all party and rejoicing. And to remember the destruction of Jerusalem and exile of our people. At that time the exiles believed that there would never be another reason to be happy. But they were wrong, we have found a reason to rejoice and so we pause to reflect on the serious for a moment.
The glass itself can be anything made of glass. A simple light bulb, is often used not only because it is glass but because it makes a good “pop” when broken. There are some who sew a glass goblet into a silk bag so that the pieces can be saved with other mementos of the wedding or they can be placed inside some lucite trophy as a lasting memory of the wedding. While these are nice gifts for the bride and groom, the simple light bulb, wrapped in a cloth napkin, is all that is required. After the glass is broken, the guests cry out “Mazal Tov”, the bride and groom kiss but the ceremony is not over quite yet.

Next week: Wedding 7: The Wedding Ceremony-Part IV – After the Ceremony