Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

November 3, 2003

Number 5764-5 Shabbat I – The Origins of Shabbat

The oldest holiday on the Hebrew Calendar is Shabbat. The Torah dates it from the seventh day of creation. On that day, G-d ceased creating and rested. The name “Shabbat” is one of those words that seem to have no history. We don’t find any word or any concept in the ancient world that is comparable to the Jewish Shabbat. All attempts to find a source for Shabbat in ancient writings has been futile.
Shabbat is also the only holiday mentioned in the Ten Commandments. The fourth commandment insists upon a day of rest for every member of the family, including the hired help and any working animals in the household. Shabbat therefore is linked to one of the most important moments in Jewish history, the Revelation at Mt. Sinai.
Shabbat is also linked to the future. The Sages of the Talmud taught that to experience Shabbat was to experience 1/60 th of the “World to Come.” Our rest, therefore, is tied directly to future time, a time when the whole world, perhaps the whole universe will know the peace of Shabbat.
These three understandings of Shabbat are reflected in the three main services that we perform on Shabbat. Friday night is dedicated to Shabbat as the pinnacle of Creation. So we sing “Vayechulu HaShamaim, a quote directly from the creation story. On Shabbat morning, the service is dedicated to Revelation, and we sing, “V’Shamru B’nai Yisrael” that refers to Shabbat as a commandment of G-d. The Shabbat Mincha Service is dedicated to the end of days, When all the world will benefit from the rest we observe on Shabbat. Shabbat is the only day on the calendar where the Amida for Maariv, Shacharit and Mincha, are all different from each other. This too reflects the three themes, Creation, Revelation and the Final Redemption.
Shabbat has always been a difficult Mitzvah to perform. The Maccabees had to suspend Shabbat during their war with the Greek forces since the Greeks would wait to attack on Shabbat when the Jews would not fight. The Pagan Romans would laugh at the Jews who would not work seven days a week. To a pagan, work was the way one acquired power from the gods. The Roman’s could just not understand why the Jewish G-d would not have them work every day! Throughout the middle ages, Shabbat kept the Jewish people united. Achad HaAm, one of the great writers of the Emancipation noted, “more than the Jews have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jews.” Abraham Joshua Heschel, the great American philosopher, calls Shabbat a “Palace in Time” noting that all week long we work in the world of things, making things, changing things altering things, but on Shabbat we leave the world of space behind and choose to dwell in the realm of time.
In Judaism the whole week revolves around Shabbat. The days of the week do not have Hebrew names, they are only numbered as the first, second or third day before Shabbat. Some see Shabbat as the pinnacle of the week, with each day leading up to this highlight of our days. Others see Shabbat as a wave, with Wed, Thurs, and Friday as days leading up to Shabbat and Sun, Mon, and Tues as days that bring us down from Shabbat. The Psalm that is said on Wednesday is Psalm 94. We add to that Psalm on Wednesday the first few verses from Psalm 95, the Psalm that opens up the prayers of Kabbalat Shabbat on Friday night, calling attention to the fact that Wednesday is the swing day that leads us back to the heightened spirituality of Shabbat
While Shabbat starts with a great feast and with grand pageantry, over the 25 hours of Shabbat the physical aspects of the holiday begin to wane. The meals become more meager and the music becomes simpler. At the same time, the harried and hurried pace we start Shabbat with, slowly, over the 25 hours of the day, becomes slower and slower. The spirituality that thrives on our rest and relaxation begins to grow stronger and stronger. By the end of Shabbat we have almost left the physical world and spiritually we are very strong. Unfortunately, Shabbat then comes to an end and we have a sort of “crash” as we begin to adjust to the real world again. The Havdala Service, four simple blessings, over wine, over spices, over the light of a special candle and over the transition from holy time to secular time, we cushion our fall and prepare to begin another week.

Next week: Shabbat II – Work and Shabbat

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 20, 2003

Number 5764-4 Rosh Hodesh and Heshvan

From ancient times, Judaism has functioned on a Lunar Calendar. Many of our holidays and holy days begin during one phase of the moon or another. Pesach and Sukkot are always on the full moon, Rosh Hashana on the New moon. Ten days after the new moon of Tishre, comes Yom Kippur. Everything is determined by the phases of the moon. It should be no surprise that the new moon, when the moon first appears in the sky after disappearing from the sky just a few days before, marks the beginning of the month. It was not a formal holiday, but a festive day none the less. There is a custom that the beginning of the month, called Rosh Hodesh, should be a special holiday for women. This is in honor of their internal monthly cycle and because of their special merit for not joining the men in the desert who worshiped the golden calf.
The celebrations of Rosh Hodesh as a special day for everyone, comes, I think, from the way the month was declared in ancient times. The calculations of the calendar were well know to the sages in Ancient Israel, but they still preferred to have testimony that the new moon had indeed appeared in the sky. People would sit out on the hillsides looking for the first sight of the moon, then they would run to the court in Jerusalem to testify that they had indeed seen the new moon. They would be carefully cross examined, shown a variety of pictures of the moon to make sure they were not mistaken. And if two witnesses agreed that the new moon had appeared, the Sages would declare the new month and start the count to the next holiday. They would also interrogate witnesses who appeared later, not because they needed them, but because they did not want them to give up coming to the court thinking that it was already too late.
The problem is that the moon takes about 29 ½ days to circle the earth. You can’t have a half day so some months have to have 29 days, and some have 30. The pattern is to alternate 29 and 30 day months. There is some variation and adjustments that do need to be made from time to time to prevent Yom Kippur from falling on a Friday or a Sunday (when fasting would be too difficult) and to keep Hoshana Rabba off of Shabbat (when it would be forbidden to beat the willow branches). Since alternating 29 and 30 day months leaves a deficits of 11 days a year, The Jewish calendar corrects this by adding a 13th month seven times during a 19 year cycle. The entire calendar today is determined by mathematical calculations and not by personal observance. We can predict to the day when a holiday (or a parsha for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah) will occur, with all the adjustments already made.
Since there were special sacrifices offered in the great Temple of Jerusalem, we recite a speical Musaf service for Rosh Hodesh. We also do an abbreviated version of Hallel in the morning service. The months of a Jewish Year are Tishrei, Heshvan, Kislev, Tevet, Shevat, Adar (and Adar II in Leap Years), Nisan, Iyar, Sivan, Tammuz, Av and Elul. There are actually four new years in Judaism. The first of Elul is the new year for taxes, Tishrei marks the creation of the world, Nisan is the month of our liberation from Egypt and of the Spring rebirth and Shevat 15, the full moon of Shevat) is the new year for Trees.
Heshvan, the month that will soon begin comes after a full compliment of holidays in Tishrei. It is the only month with no special prayers or holidays. Because it is so plain, it is given the title, MarHeshvan, (Mr. Heshvan) as a special mark of blessing from G-d.

Next week: Shabbat

Mailbox: In last weeks edition of HMS I noted: “Yizkor, the memorial service, is the main ritual of Shemini Atzeret” Cantor Linda Shivers in Portland OR reminded me that this is not quite true. The mail ritual of Shemini Atzeret is Geshem, the prayer for rain. It would not be wise to pray for rain when we are still living in our Sukkot, so as soon as Sukkot is over, we recite Geshem, a piyyut that serves as the beginning of a prayer for rain that will begin with the Musaf and continue until Pesach. The prayer is for rain in Israel so we don’t need to bring an umbrella to synagogue with us. Geshem is also a prayer for the “blessing of rain” the actual prayer for rain is added to the Amidah in the diaspora beginning on Dec. 4 or 5, but that is another lesson for another day. Thank you Cantor Shivers for your important reminder.

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 14, 2003

Number 5764-3 Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah

Shemini Atzeret is a festival that comes at the end of Sukkot but is completely independent from the holiday it follows. The definition of the term “Atzeret” is still a matter of debate among scholars. Why there was a need to follow the Sukkot Festival with another Festival is not clear. The difference between the two festivals is also not clear. Pesach also has an “Atzeret” festival. Shavuot in the Talmud is called “Atzeret” even though it comes 50 days after Pesach is over. Perhaps in the spring, when the dry season has started, it would be easy to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem twice in 50 days. Sukkot comes just before the rainy season begins and the roads become difficult. Perhaps this is why it’s “Atzeret” comes the day after Sukkot ends.
Yizkor, the memorial service, is the main ritual of Shemini Atzeret. Yizkor is done at the end of every festival. It is only natural that we would think of loved ones and miss them when holidays are celebrated over the course of the year. Rather than forget the times we celebrated in the past, we remember those who have died with the Yizkor Service. It would not be right to dampen the joy of the festival with Yizkor at the beginning of the celebration, so we do Yizkor at the end. Yizkor is the last day of Pesach, the last day of Shavuot and the second to last day of Shemini Atzeret. The second day of Shemini Atzeret is so joyful that Yizkor would not be appropriate, so Yizkor is moved to the first day (except in Israel where there is only one day of Shemini Atzeret and so Yizkor and the celebration are mixed.)
In ancient times, holidays were not set by a calendar years in advance, rather each month was declared when witnesses first saw the new moon in the sky. Once the court accepted their testimony, signal fires were lit and the entire country would know that the new month had begun and thus 15 days later Sukkot would start. Riders would immediately leave for Babylonia to let them know that the month was declared. Often the riders would take more than 2 weeks to get to their destinations. It thus became the custom to celebrate festivals outside of Israel two days, on the two possible days the month could have been declared. Although the calendar was long ago calculated for all to use, the custom still is for those Jewish communities outside of Israel to celebrate holidays for two days instead of one.
The second day of Shemini Atzeret now goes by the name of Simchat Torah. In the liturgy, we still call it Shemini Atzeret, but it takes on a new character because this is the day we end and begin again the annual cycle of the reading of the Torah. This is the reason for the great joy of this day, that we get another year to study and read Torah. At the evening service, the Torah is taken from the ark with great celebration. At Temple Sinai, it is crazy hat night and all are invited to wear a crazy hat. It is an honor to be able to sing one of the verses in honor of the Torah as it is taken from the ark. All the Torah scrolls in the ark are removed and paraded seven times around the synagogue with dancing and singing. The last parsha of Deuteronomy is begun and three honors are called. (We call Men Women and Children, other congregations may call Cohen, Levy and Yisrael) but the reading is left unfinished. In the morning service. Once again we honor people with verses to read as the ark is opened. Once again, all the scrolls of Torah are paraded around the synagogue seven times. Everyone gets an aliyah to the Torah in the morning (some places read many Torah scrolls, we call everyone up by age) It is a great honor to be the person called for the last reading from Deuteronomy. That honor is called Hatan Torah, the bridegroom of the Torah and there is a special hymn sun in his or her honor. The scroll is finished and put away, and then a new scroll is brought out and the next honor goes to the one who gets the first aliyah from the beginning of Genesis. That person is called, Hatan Berayshit, the Bridegroom of Genesis. The first chapter of Genesis is read and then the maftir is called. The Haftara is from the beginning of the book of Joshua, the book that comes after Deuteronomy. During the Haftara and during the musaf service, many silly things can happen. It becomes a parody of all the other holiday services. Tricks are pulled on those leading services and even on unsuspecting worshipers in the congregation. If you know what services are supposed to sound like, you will be amazed at what is done when all the rules are thrown away! Never, Ever miss a Simchat Torah Service, it is way too much fun. I hope to see you there.
Next week: Rosh Hodesh and Heshvan

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

October 9, 2003

Number 5764-2 Sukkot: Building the Sukkah and Waving the Lulav

The first Mitzvah after Yom Kippur is to build a Sukkah. A Sukkah has to be at least 18″ high and wide enough to fit most of your body inside. It can not be over 4 stories tall. It can be made of any building materials, constructed in the shape of the three Hebrew Letters that make up the word Sukkah, a Samech ( a building with four complete walls with a door and appropriate windows) or a Caff, (which is closed on three sides with the fourth side open.) Or a Hay (with two full walls and a symbolic third wall, but otherwise open). The roof must be made with natural materials that have been cut from living plants. Plants that are still living can not be used for the roof, so covering it with living vines or putting the sukkah under a tree are not permitted. The covering should produce more shade than sun by day and a be open enough to see stars from inside at night. Every region uses local plants for the roof, in the North they use evergreen branches, In Connecticut, we used cut corn stalks. In Florida we use palm branches. Some people use bamboo matting for the roof but this can only be used if there are no metal wires holding the matting together. Metal or wood can be used as a frame to hold the branches up (the plants on the roof are called, in Hebrew “schach”) one should be able to sit in the Sukkah to say the proper blessing, it is better to eat all meals in the sukkah and those who are very involved in Sukkot, actually sleep in the Sukkah. There is no requirement to be in the Sukkah when the weather turns bad.
The Luav and Etrog are called, “arba minim” the four species. It consists of a long palm branch with three myrtle branches and two willow branches. The Etrog, a yellow citron is the fourth species. The three green branches are tied together. The Etrog, which must have not only a short stem but the delicate tip (called the “pitom”) as well. They are held together, with the spine of the palm branch facing the holder, the myrtle on the right and the willow on the left of the palm in the left hand, and the Etrog held alongside them in the right hand. All species should be held the way they grow, with the stems down. (We hold the Etrog upside down until we say the blessing for the Lulav and Etrog, after the blessing we turn it the right way and give the four species three shakes in every direction, starting with East, then south, west, north, up and down. The willow branches are very perishable and should be either wrapped in wet paper towels or kept refrigerated for the holiday. The Etrog will never rot, but will, over the next month shrivel up. It will, however, never lose its wonderful smell. One can order a Lulav and Etrog through their synagogue. The deadline for orders is usually a day or two after Rosh Hashana.
With the exception of Shabbat when the Lulav is not waved, we take the Lulav before Hallel and say the blessing each morning. We wave the Lulav in all six directions at three different places in Hallel. The Lulav is never waved when G-d’s name is recited. The first two times we follow after the Cantor as he waves his/her Lulav, the last time, at the very end of Hallel, we wave it on our own. We wave it two times in each of these three spots (a total of 6 waves). In addition, we carry (but do not wave) the Lulav at the end of the service during “Hoshanot” special prayers to G–d in honor of Sukkot. We make a procession around the synagogue with the Torah in the middle, and all who have a Lulav are invited to join the procession. There is not procession on Shabbat.
On the last day of Sukkot, Hoshana Rabba, we wave the Lulav as usual, but make seven processions around the synagogue, then put aside the Lulav and take a bundle of 5 fresh willow branches and then beat them on the floor or the back of a chair. This is part of the cycle of prayers for rain that will culminate with “Geshem” a special prayer for rain on Shemini Atzeret. Shemini Atzeret is considered a separate holiday and the Lulav is not waved, nor do we dwell in the Sukkah on that day.
Next week: Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 29, 2003 Number 24

Preparing for the High Holy Days V: Fasting and Yom Kippur

If every Jewish Holiday has its ritual, than the ritual most associated with the High Holy Days is prayer. From the very beginning of the season, until the final shofar sounds of Yom Kippur, This is a period not just of introspection, but a time of prayer. Much of the prayer is misunderstood and the meaning is often lost on those who come to Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur unprepared. Just as one must prepare in advance for a visit to the opera or a classical concert, we also must prepare our hearts for this most sacred season.
First, we have to understand that the prayers that are contained in our Machzor, the special book we use on these days of Awe, are not, strictly speaking addressed to G-d. While the form that we use is that of pleading with G-d to give us another year of life, health and prosperity, we must understand that G-d already knows what is in our hearts and what our intentions are for the new year. Even before we ask, G-d is well aware of what we have made of our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. What G-d is waiting for us for us to understand what we have done with our lives. So while we are speaking to G-d, what we really must be doing is listening to what we are saying.
When we read in the Machzor that G-d judges us on these holy days, we have to think about how we look before the ultimate judge. When it says that “Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds avert the severity of the decree” we have to think what acts of Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds have we done to deserve to have the decree changed. When we call G-d, our Avinu Malkaynu, our Father our King, we have to think about if we have acted as if we are the sons and daughters of the Ruler of the Universe. While not every person is guilty of every sin listed in the confessional, We need to take heed of the ones we ARE guilty of, and resolve to do better in the new year.
Many people come to services on Rosh Hashana and only concern themselves with how much time they will need to spend in the service. How long do they have to sit in their seats until everyone notices that they are there and they feel like they have prayed long enough. Yet, in their hands, in the Machzor, is the key to living a meaningful and holy life. No matter if we are rich or poor, strong or weak, we can live our life better in relationship to G-d and through G-d to all humanity. The Machzor helps us find our way to what is really important in life, to the people who care, and how to be a caring person to others. As one Rabbi once put it, it is not how long it takes one to get through the Machzor, it is about how long it takes the Machzor to get through to us!
Each service has its theme in bringing us closer to G-d. For those who daven every day or at least every week, there are many nuances of the service that can only be discovered after a year of daily prayer or a year of Shabbat prayer. Even the musical changes, the special melodies for Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, are designed to evoke feelings in our hearts and inspire us to realign our lives according to the Jewish values that have guided our people for their entire 5000 year long history. Every prayer and every Poem, the readings from the Torah and the Haftara, the special changes that are designated for this time of year, all of them are calling us to make the changes now that will bring us true happiness and real prosperity in the new year. The Shofar itself is compared to an alarm clock, sounding its call of return and urgency as time is slipping away.
The services for the High Holy Days is not a performance, it is a call to commitment. While the Rabbi and Cantor are leading from the bima, the real action must be taking place in our hearts. We can change, we can be better. We are not locked into some kind of a life as if it was imprinted in our DNA. All it takes is for us to be moved by what we see, hear and experience in Synagogue, and then act upon our decisions to live a more holy life in the year that is beginning.

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 25, 2003 – Number 23

Preparing for the High Holy Days IV: Apples, Honey and Bread Crumbs

To celebrate Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur one must be aware of the important rituals of the day. It is traditional to eat Apples dipped in honey to symbolize a sweet new year. Some people eat honey cake and other sweet foods for the holiday. It is traditional to wear new clothing on the new year to give us an extra reason to recited the Shehechiyanu over our new clothing. One usually wears white on the Yamim Noraim (even if it is after Labor Day) since the High Priest on Yom Kippur put aside his golden garments and wore a simple white Kittel. There is a special musical mode for the High Holy Days. The music itself can put our mind into the proper frame for introspection and reflection. The Shofar sounds are to remind us of an alarm clock that is waking us up from the daze we are in every day to the passage of time and the need to make every moment count in the new year. Many special poems (called Piyyutim) are assigned for the holidays. They are chosen because they evoke in us our special relationship with G-d. In each one the poet tries to move us to examine our lives and see what we do in a new way. Perhaps with each point of view we can come to understand how important it is to begin the year with a strong resolve to make our lives better and more significant. Perhaps the only real way to fully understand how the service on the High Holy Days is supposed to make us feel, we need to have a better understanding of what a “regular” daily service is all about. When we pray daily, we can appreciate the extra poems and prayers that set the tone for the day.The Hineni prayer is the special moment when the Hazan begins the core of the service. He will be speaking on our behalf and acting as our representative. It is an awesome (and Awe some) experience that he does not take lightly. After all, our prayers cling to his on their way to G-d. The Hineni helps him get in the correct mode for such an important task. The Hazan will stand during the entire Musaf service without moving his feet apart. You may notice him hopping around the bima so that he does not separate them. The U’netane Tokef is the core reason why we are in synagogue. We come because we know that G-d is judging us and that we don’t know, in they year ahead, what will happen to us. Who will live and who will die? Who will be rich and who will be poor? Who will be sick and who will be healthy? We can never know for sure what the answer is but the prayer reminds us that we can make a difference in life through acts of repentance, Prayer and the giving of Tzedaka.Avinu Malkenu is about asking G-d to forgive our sins. We approach G-d as a divine ruler, a king, and as our Father. Still we must remember if our Father is the King, than we too are children of royalty. We have the extra responsibility to reach for a higher standard.On the first day of Rosh Hashana, or the second day if the first is Shabbat, we go to a flowing body of water, and, as part of a special service called, Tashlich, we throw bread crumbs into the water to symbolically cast our sins away. It is a concrete way to let go of all that drags us down and keeps us from our potential.On Yom Kippur, during the long and short confessional, we tap our chest with our fist, it is a moment where we strike ourselves for each of the sins listed. To remember that we are sinners, we have not lived up to our expectations in the past year, and we did not live up to G-d’s expectations. We strike ourselves to try and remember to do better in the new year.

Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days V: Fasting and Yom Kippur

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 15, 2003 – Number 22

Preparing for the High Holy Days III: The Power of Prayer

If every Jewish Holiday has its ritual, than the ritual most associated with the High Holy Days is prayer. From the very beginning of the season, until the final shofar sounds of Yom Kippur, This is a period not just of introspection, but a time of prayer. Much of the prayer is misunderstood and the meaning is often lost on those who come to Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur unprepared. Just as one must prepare in advance for a visit to the opera or a classical concert, we also must prepare our hearts for this most sacred season.
First, we have to understand that the prayers that are contained in our Machzor, the special book we use on these days of Awe, are not, strictly speaking addressed to G-d. While the form that we use is that of pleading with G-d to give us another year of life, health and prosperity, we must understand that G-d already knows what is in our hearts and what our intentions are for the new year. Even before we ask, G-d is well aware of what we have made of our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. What G-d is waiting for us for us to understand what we have done with our lives. So while we are speaking to G-d, what we really must be doing is listening to what we are saying.
When we read in the Machzor that G-d judges us on these holy days, we have to think about how we look before the ultimate judge. When it says that “Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds avert the severity of the decree” we have to think what acts of Tzedaka, Prayer and Righteous Deeds have we done to deserve to have the decree changed. When we call G-d, our Avinu Malkaynu, our Father our King, we have to think about if we have acted as if we are the sons and daughters of the Ruler of the Universe. While not every person is guilty of every sin listed in the confessional, We need to take heed of the ones we ARE guilty of, and resolve to do better in the new year.
Many people come to services on Rosh Hashana and only concern themselves with how much time they will need to spend in the service. How long do they have to sit in their seats until everyone notices that they are there and they feel like they have prayed long enough. Yet, in their hands, in the Machzor, is the key to living a meaningful and holy life. No matter if we are rich or poor, strong or weak, we can live our life better in relationship to G-d and through G-d to all humanity. The Machzor helps us find our way to what is really important in life, to the people who care, and how to be a caring person to others. As one Rabbi once put it, it is not how long it takes one to get through the Machzor, it is about how long it takes the Machzor to get through to us!
Each service has its theme in bringing us closer to G-d. For those who daven every day or at least every week, there are many nuances of the service that can only be discovered after a year of daily prayer or a year of Shabbat prayer. Even the musical changes, the special melodies for Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, are designed to evoke feelings in our hearts and inspire us to realign our lives according to the Jewish values that have guided our people for their entire 5000 year long history. Every prayer and every Poem, the readings from the Torah and the Haftara, the special changes that are designated for this time of year, all of them are calling us to make the changes now that will bring us true happiness and real prosperity in the new year. The Shofar itself is compared to an alarm clock, sounding its call of return and urgency as time is slipping away.
The services for the High Holy Days is not a performance, it is a call to commitment. While the Rabbi and Cantor are leading from the bima, the real action must be taking place in our hearts. We can change, we can be better. We are not locked into some kind of a life as if it was imprinted in our DNA. All it takes is for us to be moved by what we see, hear and experience in Synagogue, and then act upon our decisions to live a more holy life in the year that is beginning.

Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days IV: Apples, Honey and Bread Crumbs

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 9, 2003 – Number 21

Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is one of the key features of the High Holy Day season. Forgiveness works two ways. Our first obligation during the month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish year, is to seek out those who are angry at us, and seek forgiveness for what we have done. This is easy to say but far more difficult to do.
In may entire career as a Rabbi, I find nothing more sad than to see families and friends shattered by a feud. On the one hand, it is a natural and normal fact of life that people argue about what they see and what they believe. Sometimes these arguments are heated and strong. There is no sin in arguing with someone else. As long as there is a conclusion drawn from the argument and there is some reconciliation between the two angry people. Anger should not last 24 or at most, 48 hours. For anger to go on longer is to transform the anger into a grudge. Grudges are wrong. They are useless continuations of anger that go beyond the actual point of the disagreement and carries forward only the hurt feelings. Our first obligation in any disagreement is to finish the fight, reconcile with the one who disagrees and move on with our lives. If not, that the hurt can carry forward far into the future and can destroy many wonderful relationships.
At this time of year, we need to move to end these long term feuds. We must once again approach the person who has offended us and seek a reconciliation. We may not be able to find agreement, but at least we can move to set aside the differences so that a personal relationship can go on. When families reconcile after a long feud, there is always such regret that they did not reconcile sooner, that so much time has been wasted. Don’t let fights go on indefinitely. This is our opportunity to put the anger to rest and find forgiveness. We must not let our lives be filled with a bitterness that will sour our soul. Find all those with whom you are feuding and seek their forgiveness.
This also applies to those whom we have wronged outright. Those whom we can not face again because of what we have done. Here too it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. To admit the error and to see to rectify the damage we have done. After all, how can we ask G-d to forgive our sins if we are not prepared to ask those we have wronged to forgive us as well?
On the other hand, we must also be forgiving. There is not point in making someone else squirm when they are in need of forgiveness. We need to release the past from our minds and let our relationships move on. If we want to be forgiven, we need to be forgiving. Sometimes we can have a profound affect on those we love simply by forgiving them for the minor slights and mistakes that are so much a part of being human. If we let the anger go, it can no longer warp our soul. Once we are free of the hurt and anger of the past, we are ready to enter the new year with hope and faith in the forgiving power of G-d.

Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days III: The Power of Prayer

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

September 1, 2003 – Number 20

Preparing for the High Holy Days I: Teshuva

When the Hebrew month of Elul begins, the last month before Rosh Hashana, the Shofar is sounded every morning at the end of the Shacharit service. Moses Maimonides, compares this sounding of the Shofar as an alarm clock, waking us up from our slumber to remind us that time is passing us by and the time we have left in this world is ticking away. Time is the most perishable object in the world. As one year winds to a close and another is about to begin, we need to take a look at our lives. Who are we? Where are we going? Who and what is important to us? How did we get so far off the path we have chosen and how can we return to where we belong? These are the questions that rise to the surface as the Shofar is blown in Elul.
The secular world my celebrate the New Year with noise and celebration, but Jews mark the change of the year with reflection and repentance. This is a multi-part task that will not only occupy our lives for the month of Elul but for most of the next month, Tishrei, as well.
The first thing we need to do is to perform what is known as Heshbone HaNefesh, the accounting of our souls. We need to look back at our lives before we can look ahead. We need to know exactly where we are standing so we can know where we have to go. What good is the map of the mall that tells us where every store can be found if there is no spot on the map that says “You are Here”? Where are we in our lives. When we started out in life we had hopes and dreams of what we wanted to accomplish in life. We had a vision of what a successful life would be like. Now as we end another year, we need to take account of how we are doing. Are we still on track or have we strayed from our course?
Straying is so very easy to do. We are easily distracted by the glitter and glamour that distracts us in life. We have a sense of what G-d has called us to do, but we are distracted from the task by the many false treasures that beckon to us. We decide that we are content with less rather than reach for the full reward. And now, the short term gratification has taken us far from where we ought to be. The month of Elul is the time to swing back on the proper path.
Those who depend on a 12 step program to overcome their addiction easily recognize this accounting of the soul. The first step they must pass is to take a full and fearless accounting of their actions as a prelude to taking responsibility for their situation. This is good advice for all of us. We need to take responsibility for our actions that have brought us to where we are in life. And if thing need to be changed, than we will be the ones who will have to make the changes. This week let us all take a full and fearless assessment of our lives, a true Heshbone Hanefesh, with the plan to fix whatever went wrong and to make the decisions that will put our lives back on track.

Next week: Preparing for the High Holy Days II: Forgive and Forget

Discussion:
B. Horowiz asks:
My stepfather’s brother passed away this week. The two rabbis who were conducting the memorial services told my stepfather that he only needs to say kaddish for 30 days, since the deceased was his sibling. The deceased’s wife received similar instructions; however, the children of the deceased were told that they should say kaddish for 11 months.
Rabbi replies:
Jewish Law reflects a difference between the love of a child for a parent and the love that we have for others in our lives. Basically we choose those who will receive our love except in the case of parents. We don’t get to pick our parents, we love them because they gave us life and nurtured us with unconditional love. The rules of mourners are extended for parents and not for others. It is the sign of the difference between our relationship with our parents and our other relationships. Please remember, however, that while Judaism does not recommend excessive mourning, one is still able to mourn longer in cases where the love and commitment are deeper. Just because we are not required to mourn the year, does not mean that we are forbidden to do so if we choose.

Lessons in Memory of my brother Dale Alan Konigsburg

August 25, 2003 – Number 19

Laws Relating to Death III – Shiva

Once the Funeral is finished and the grave filled, attention then turns to the mourners. We begin the process of consolation right at the funeral, having the family pass through two lines of friends who offer the traditional words of consolation “May G-d comfort you as G-d comforts all those who mourn Zion and Jerusalem. Some people no longer say the last part of the statement in deference to the modern state of Israel.
The mourners then go directly to the place they will be observing Shiva. If they will travel out of town to return to their home, they go directly to the airport. Upon arriving home, one washes their hands outside the door, to leave the last of the cemetery outside the house. They enter the house, light the Shiva candle that will burn for the seven days of Shiva, remove any leather shoes they may be wearing. They should sit on low hard chairs, symbolic of the discomfort that they feel for their loss. There is an old superstition that has one cover mirrors in a Shiva house. This is NOT required. The many reasons given are merely justifications for an old European superstition. One does not shave or wear makeup during the time they are sitting Shiva.
The first thing a mourner must do is have something to eat. This meal is called the “Meal of Consolation” and begins with food that is round, symbolic of the cycle of life. Bagels and Lentils are customary, a hard boiled egg is also used and has further symbolism of being the beginning of life. Even in the mourners claim they are not hungry, they should have a small bite to eat upon returning home.
While sitting Shiva, the mourner must not do anything except sit and talk about the deceased. It is the responsibility of the friends and community to see to it that there is food for the mourners and to tend to their needs. Shiva is NOT a party and mourners should not have to welcome guests at the door or see to their needs. The food at the house is for the mourners who may share it with guests if they choose. Food should not be removed from a Shiva house until Shiva is finished. Guests who arrive at the house should use the time to talk to the mourners and share stories about the deceased and make sure the needs of the mourners are tended to. This may cause some tears from the mourners but crying is what Shiva is about and no one should be embarrassed to cry, or to be in the presence of one who is that sad. One should not try and stop the tears, rather we see them as a sign that healing is taking place. Do not ignore the “elephant” in the room and distract the mourner by making small talk. Let them show picture of the deceased and let the mourner control the conversation. The best guest at a Shiva house is the one who sits near the mourners and listens.
The torn garment is worn the entire time one sits Shiva, excluding Shabbat. The only time a mourner leaves a Shiva home is to attend synagogue on Shabbat. Public displays of mourning are not allowed on Shabbat. Shiva will end if a major holiday interrupts the week. Daily services will take place in the Shiva home to allow them to say Kaddish for the deceased. Shiva begins the day of the funeral (Which is always counted as the first day) and ends after the first hour of the seventh day. Following Shiva, the next three weeks complete Sheloshim, the first month (30 days) after the funeral. During this period mourners can leave the house and return to work but parties and events that include music are to be avoided. When a parent dies some do not attend events with music for the entire year. Mourners may not be called to the Torah for an Aliyah until Sheloshim is over. For eleven months after the burial, one recites Kaddish daily. The monument can be erected anytime after Sheloshim but the custom in America is to raise it on or around the first anniversary of the death (not the funeral). On each of the four days when Yizkor is recited and on the Yahrtzeit (The anniversary of the death) a candle is lit that will burn for 24 hours and Kaddish is recited at all services that day.

Next week: Teshuva: Preparing for the High Holy Days